How to Mirror Effectively

One person is always the Sender – the one who has something they want to communicate – and there is always a Receiver – the one to whom the Sender wants to talk to.

• Sender - always ask the other person “Is this a good time to talk?” – it shows respect – accept the time the receiver suggests – it is best to talk to someone when they are prepared rather than taking them by surprise.

• Always sit facing each other – in close proximity – make eye contact

• The Sender speaks in two or three short sentences at a time – allowing the Receiver to remember exactly what was sent

• The receiver says, “What I’m hearing you say is….” and then repeats verbatim what the Sender said.

• Then the Receiver asks, “Did I hear you correctly?”

• Sender gives either a ‘pass’ - or ‘no pass’ – if it is ‘no pass’ it is repeated by the Sender – this is repeated until the Sender feels the receiver heard it correctly

• Once it is “pass” the Receiver asks the Sender “Is there anything more you would like to say about that?” – each Receiver needs to be curious about how the other person feels or thinks vs. being defensive, cutting them short, invalidating them.

• Once the Sender has completed she or he might ask, “Is there something you would like to say about what you heard?” This continues until the communication is completed.

Children will find this amusing at first but will also feel very empowered. Everyone needs to feel heard in order to feel loved. Spouses find it difficult at first because they are so used to listening with half-an-ear – that “little voice in ones’ head” is already composing the responses before the other person is even finished – and often interrupting the other. Those conversations wind up feeling painfully unsatisfying – resulting in the accumulation of many resentments – which usually build up and damage the relationship over and over again.

Copyright©stefandeutsch2011

The Human Development Company 516 220 6471 stefandeutsch@msn.com 109 Coverly Place Melville, NY 11747

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