My name is Stefan Deutsch and I am a Gestalt Psychotherapist. I do research in the field of human development, teach courses to other psychotherapists, and have a private practice – and what I enjoy the most is working with parents.

Parenting is probably the hardest job most of us have – it’s 24 hours, it’s often thankless, it costs a heck of lot of money, we get all the blame - and there is no school or training for it. We’re on our own – doing our best. Oh yea – and there are these beings called teen-agers. The work I do has helped many parents – it works – and it is simple enough to understand and learn – but like anything worth while – it does take time and practice. The reason is that our brains are wired – we behave and respond in habitual ways – and it takes time to re-wire the brain – both ours and our kids’. The good news is that we can.

I want to make sure that there is no mistake – to make changes that are meaningful, that will make your life and your child’s life much more pleasant, fun and productive – calls for a commitment – and of course it is on the part of the parent’s.

Studies show that adults struggle in four developmental areas – being in touch with their feelings, trusting their environment to meet their needs, having the courage and ability to communicate effectively about those needs, and being able to love unconditionally.

Infants are just the opposite – for them these four areas are working perfectly – they feel all their feelings – tired, gas, hungry, wanting to be held, wet - they expect their environment to meet their needs so they communicate it immediately – right? they cry – and they love unconditionally.

Let’s see what happens between infancy and adulthood that causes so much harm and what we as parents can do about?

I am going to give you a small example how parents can unintentionally harm a child’s developmental process: Candy bar before dinner – what would a good mom’s normal reaction be if their child asked for, insisted they wanted a candy bar just before dinner?

It may be hard to understand how a simple interaction like this with your child can harm these 4 vital developmental areas. But it does – and I will explain just how it can and what the solutions are in a few minutes.

Raising Your Children into Successful and Happy Adults is the hope, the vision of every parent. I am a parent and I know. I did everything I could to give my child what she needed to succeed in life.

FOR ALMOST 2 MILLION YEARS we needed to develop and use our bodies for survival. Living in caves – surrounded by wild animals and enemy tribes. In the last 10,000 years that focus shifted to developing our minds. We learned to domesticate plants and animals and have been using our brains ever since. This is basically still what the American model for success and happiness is based on - to nourish and develop a child’s body and brain – sports and schooling.

And yet we have a 52% divorce rate and growing. 66% of people are unhappy at their jobs and careers. There is a growing use of alcohol, recreational drugs, prescription drugs for depression, sleep – there is more and more stress, cancer, heart attacks and strokes. And even relationships between parents and their adult children are becoming more distant. Every year more people are seeking counseling for their problems.

What is the cause of these emotional problems when we know more about developing our children’s bodies and brains than we ever did? How is it possible that a good student and good athlete, who becomes successful at his or her job, marries, has beautiful children can still be unhappy – depressed, even suicidal?

1. I would ask you to consider that while focusing on our children’s bodies and brains can help them become successful, it doesn’t necessarily lead to having a happy life. Statistics are telling us that even though many parents are providing their children the best to develop their bodies and brains – “the unhappiness quotient” has been going higher and higher.
2. What are some of the characteristics of happy people?
a. accepting oneself and others – liking oneself
b. being able to give love and receive love unconditionally
c. doing what one loves to do
d. working at one’s full potential – doing their best at everything they undertake

Many young adults are critical of themselves and others; are not able to love unconditionally; and are not doing something they love.

3. Let’s look at some of the characteristics of people striving for success.
a. Success becomes primary – one’s health and family secondary
b. They live more stressful lives, it affects health and relationships.
c. They look for the approval of others –that’s how they know they’re successful

4. Now let’s look at some of the characteristics of people striving for happiness.
a. They prioritize the giving and getting love – their families, health all thrive – as does their career
b. They chose a career that they like, not one that will get them other people’s approval or lots of things to buy
c. They work at their full potential – are productive – and have lots of energy
5. I did want to say a few words about Discipline –

With a show of hands - How many here have heard about the TV show called Supernanny? How many of you have watched it? I am hooked on it and my child is 30. If you want your children to respect you and love you and do what you ask them to do - I highly recommend that you watch Supernanny together with your kids AND APPLY THOSE SIMPLE RULES. Fridays at 8pm, on ABC.

Discipline can be done by simply exerting your authority – you're bigger – you can have them be afraid of you….. or by giving your children healthy boundaries and doing it lovingly. Discipline doesn’t just mean getting kids to stop abusive behavior with you or each other – it also means having them do their HW when it should be done, sitting down to dinner together – or what ever goals and objectives you have for running your household. When everything becomes negotiable you have lost control and it is one of the most damaging things for the ultimate happiness of your children. Healthy boundaries make children much happier than when you indulged them because you are afraid of losing their love. Remember they need your love too – just as much as you need theirs – so if you tell them that you are not willing to go along with their plan for your household – that after all you are the adult – they fall in line quickly – and will love you the more for it. It is impossible for children to respect their parents who give in to their demands. Children test you by getting angry when they don’t get their way. They are simply testing you to see what they can get away with, or what they can use to blackmail you to get what they want – if they see they can’t - they will stop. Their willfulness is not cute and it will cost you and them dearly as they grow and become more and more demanding – and they will become less and less appreciative of anything you give them.

6. This brings us to what you as a parent can do right now to ensure the development of these 4 vital areas necessary for a child’s or adult’s success and happiness.
a. Parents can learn to become more aware of the way they listen
b. They can learn a skill called Mirroring – that makes children feel safe and heard – and loved
c. They can become more aware of their own conditional behavior
d. They can learn how to love more unconditionally
e. They can trust their children – and guide them to make decision for themselves.

Today we only have time to focus on one important new skill – that gets you far along having your children grow into healthy, happy and successful adults – and that is communication.

Let’s get back to the Candy Bar before dinner – what do good mom’s say to their children? No!!!!!! Yes, good moms say no. It is not that the NO is harmful….it is what we don’t know about children’s development that is harmful. We don’t know that when they express a need – in this case hunger - which starts from the inside – they need to be heard – for a number of very important reasons which I am about to explain. At this point in my talk a lot of mom’s are wondering if I am going to suggest they actually give their children the candy bar. Have they been bad parents for saying no? You are all great parents – and a no is appropriate – it is what needs to come before the NO that is essential.

A child feels hunger – inside – we call that awareness – then he or she has a thought that their Universe, mom and dad, will take care of that need - we call that vision - then they make a decision to communicate that need to their Universe – which again are mom and dad – and when that need is finally met they feel loved.

Let’s see what happens with a plain and simple NO?

1st - The child says to themselves there is no point in having feeling inside they will be ignored – it damages their awareness –

2nd - their Universe will not meet their need – do not trust their Universe –

3rd - they asked and gotten a no – what is the point of asking – their courage or willingness to communicate is damaged – and finally,

4th - their need isn’t met and they don’t feel heard – not being heard =equals= not being loved – you don’t love me.

Quest. So the question is how else could a parent respond to what we consider a child’s unreasonable request?

Ans. “Mirror” – and dialogue about what you heard before you get into a discussion or saying no.

“What I am hearing you say is that you are hungry and you want a candy bar? Did I hear you correctly?” Just as difficult as it might seem that saying NO is damaging, it might be equally hard to understand why repeating what you heard might be so important for development. But it is.

Let’s break it down –

1st - the child’s awareness is acknowledged and he or she will continue to stay in touch with their inner needs.

2nd - the child’s thought that their Universe – mom or dad – are there to respond and it is safe to ask is also confirmed – so in the future they will continue to trust the Universe and

3rd - continue to have the courage to ask – their communication is encouraged. Do you want to know what your children want – or do you want them to keep things a secret?

4th - repeating what they asked for validated them and they feel loved – even if you don’t give them the candy bar. This is a small example – but it is repeated with both our children and people in our lives in small and large events – hearing people in our lives will undo the damage we have all been brought up with.

The main reasons adults are unhappy is: They are not in touch with what is going on inside of them – out of touch with their own needs – it was damaged growing up - or they are afraid to ask their Universe – their spouses, parents, children, siblings - for what they really want – their vision and communication was damaged growing up - and ultimately they don’t feel loved unconditionally and in response don’t love fully – what I call unconditionally.

Exercises: 1. Mirroring – listening to your child in a proactive way It prevents the damage to awareness, to envisioning, to having the courage to communicate, and it feels like unconditional love -

This is also something you can do with your spouse and parents and it can transform all your relationships completely,
a) Demonstrate mirroring with someone in the audience
b) Turn to the person next to you and share something – 2-3 sentences – than mirror them – and change and repeat

Quest. - Tell me what happens when a husband, wife or a child needs to share something and they don’t feel safe or don’t feel heard…listened to – which always feels like not being loved?

Ans. Eventually they are going to find someone else to talk to. That is one of the main reasons kids find themselves friends – sometimes the wrong kind of friends because they can’t talk to their parents – they don’t feel safe or heard. What happens when a husband or wife feels they aren’t being heard – they find someone else – biggest reason for divorces.

Having the skill to listen in a way that gives another the experience of being heard is the most important thing in relationships – and to the healthy development of children. Being heard is even more important than getting what they want.

All I am going to say today about loving unconditionally is that everyone can do it.

Loving energy is just like air, food and water – a life sustaining nourishment – which is why it is so painful when we don’t receive it from the people who are supposed to love us. I will be sending out to everyone who signs up to participate in the study a one page explanation of what love is, why it is necessary for our child’s wellbeing, and how we can all get and give love unconditionally.

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