Presentation to Dr. Harville Hendrix, Founder of Imago Couple’s Therapy and Gene Shue, Chairman of the Board -
Imago Presentation6-15-2009
©stefandeutsch2009
I want to thank you both for taking time out of your busy schedules.
I believe that my life span theory creates a new paradigm for human development. I also believe that after hearing it and perhaps chewing on it for a while you’ll find that it supports the work you are doing. My vision is that a wonderful working relationship will evolve out of this presentation.
You might remember I was asked to submit an academic book proposal to Routledge and you counseled me to do the popular book first. I am working on both. Dr. Karant here is helping with the popular book – which she really believes in.
This intro part is about 10 minutes….then about an hour to present the theory. I am sure questions will arise, hopefully most of them will be answered in the presentation, as I will go over the main ideas a number of times. I will end with about 30 minutes on the applications of my theory to Imago Couples Therapy and theory. We will have the last hour for discussion, especially to explore in what ways, if any, my ideas may support your work and Imago theory.
Before getting into the presentation I would like to ask everyone to try a small experiment. Please close your eyes…take a deep breath….now try and recall a time when someone no longer wanted your love…and now…when someone no longer wanted to love you.
You can open your eyes….
What do you recall that felt like….Gene….Harville….Roberta…Carolena….?
Please remember that feeling because we are going to talk a lot about love and loving in the context of a new life span theory and a new theory of self.
There are a couple of striking similarities in the impetuous to and evolution of our theories.
First, for both of us it was personal pain and the desire to find answers to help heal other people’s pain.
Secondly, you tried out your ideas, found they worked and continued to perfect them.
I also tried out my ideas and found they worked…and continued perfecting them.
We both pursued our mission and found answers to our own questions.
In your training you talked about the Imago – the parental image that causes us to select particular mates. People get that. It helps them understand themselves and their relationships. Your results have proven that clients can wrap their brains around the concept of Imago and find it useful.
In my courses I talk about developing one’s self, and I find people have an easy time wrapping their brains around it and using it.
You also speak about the old brain – the new brain – the cerebrum and the cerebellum – the relationship between the amygdala and the neocortex to explain in scientific terms the reasons your ideas work.
The science I talk about that supports my theory is recent brain research into the neuroplasticity of the brain that shows that if you change the focus of attention you can change behavior.
Over 30 years of study and work has gone into my new life span theory. The first 10 years were spent coming up with the theory. Then I hired 2 research assistants for a full year to make sure my concepts were original. Since then I have been applying the theory to as many developmental areas as possible. As with your work, it was the continued success of these applications that inspired me to go on. There are a number of proofs supporting the various hypotheses and I am going to share one important proof with you today that has everything to do with your work.
To my knowledge there has been no significant scientific theory put forth that posits a developmental self and explains the nature of love. My theory addresses both in a 3 stage life span theory.
The debate about the Self, if it is real, existing or not, has been around since Descartes. Again much has been written about it, and it is fair to say that even though the word self is just as much a part of our everyday vernacular as love, most scientists today discount the existence of what they call an ‘immaterial’ being that is conscious vs. the brain. This leaves science with trying to find the cause of everything they possibly can in the body and the brain.
Human development has been almost exclusively focused on child development because, well, we can see a child develop. We can see the body and brain grow and learn new things. Since there is NO hard evidence that Self is real, the development of Self is not part of the study of human development. And there has been very little attention paid to adult development, which is a big part of my life span theory.
My theory, The Continuum Theory of Human Development views human development as the development of the body-brain- and the self.
The main tenets of The Continuum Theory are that there are 3 stages of human development, that the Self is real, and that what we call Love, and I call loving energies is its nourishment.
Proving that the Self is Real and that Love is Real lends theoretical support to all those philosophies, healing modalities, and psychotherapies that have held that love is perhaps the most important intangible that healthy human beings need. I believe my theory very much supports your work – the getting, keeping, and giving of love.
If our science of psychology and human development accepted Self as a real, functioning, developmental entity, rather then insisting that we are only body and brain, we would approach many things pertaining to human development and therapeutic interventions very differently, and I believe much more effectively.
I believe my new theory has profound implications for adult development, parenting/child development, approaches to education, career development, marriage and relationships, aging, as well as the various therapeutic interventions and developmental approaches we use today.
So…Let us begin…..
I’d like to start by mentioning a few leaders in the field of human development and brain research, who have expressed the need for a new theory of self and development.
Dr. Richard Lerner, one of the pre-eminent human development experts has called for … “alternative world views to lead us to ask different questions about development’ and ‘devising new ways to optimize human behavior”. Dr. Gary Schwartz, a leading brain researcher, states, quote “We propose that skeptical and dismissive reactions to purportedly impossible (yet logical) theories and seemingly unbelievable (yet replicable) data ….. require that scientists and non-scientists alike develop comfort and humility in accepting the human mind's restricted ability to envision certain nonvisualizable - yet fundamental and real - concepts and effects.” Another brain researcher, psychiatrist Jeffrey Schwartz, working with physicist Henry Stapp on OCD and neuroplasticity says we need to look beyond body and brain to explain what in the human being generates “focus of attention”, which then impacts brain circuitry. He claims thoughts do not arise in the brain but act on the brain.
Dr. Lee Lipsenthal, M.D., who has agreed to contribute to my book is convinced, based on the latest brain research, that loving energy is real.
Finally, psychiatrist Bruce Greyson, a presenter at the UN Symposium’s Beyond Body-Mind last September called for an underlying theory explaining the source of conscious attention.
I believe my Continuum Theory ™ of Human Development is the answer they are looking for.
It is my strong belief that The Continuum Theory™ is a new way of thinking about human development, the ‘Self’, and Love. This new paradigm for life span more fully explains human development, and opens up new worlds of possibility for reaching the optimum potential of each and every individual.
I believe that The Continuum Theory™ and its theories of the ‘Self’ and Love are such “nonvisualizable - yet logical – concepts”, that Gary Schwartz talks about, the applications of which have proven to generate lots of “replicable data”.
Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz and Henry Stapp’s quantum concept of an “organically interacting unity” is exactly what I state in my theory - that a human being is a fully integrated, conscious body-brain-self continuum –The Continuum Theory.
If Self is not developed properly from birth, not nourished properly from birth, the result will be ‘life malfunctions’ – unhappiness, frustration, disappointment, and generally great dissatisfaction with one’s life. Therefore, ‘Life Malfunctions’ are caused by an undernourished and underdeveloped/damaged Self.
The best analogy I have for what happens with the Self in childhood is the way the Chinese used to wrap girls feet. They still had feet but was of limited use.
I found an unwitting but moving reference for the existence of the ‘Self’, in the book - My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey by Dr. Jill Taylor. The author, a brain scientist, speaks eloquently about literally watching a stroke destroy her left brain and the 8 year journey of rehabilitation that followed, out of what she calls the “La-La-Land” of her right brain. She writes about her experience of functioning without her left brain, without being able to sequence actions or thoughts, without being able to learn, or understand the reasons why any sequential action was necessary. What she doesn’t explain is, if she was so happy, after all it is she that calls it the “La-La-Land” of her right brain, and her left brain wasn’t functioning, what part of her fought this 8 year battle for wholeness? What part of her had the consciousness awareness to decide that it wanted to fight this battle? Her only comment, but to me very instructive, was, “My scientific training did not teach me anything about the human spirit…” In the briefest of ways ‘human spirit’ is referred to and implied as her source of motivation. It is this ‘human spirit’ that I believe is real and the “Self” I speak about. I was hoping that her comment about not learning “anything about the human spirit” would lead to an enlightening discourse to find out more about this ‘human spirit’:
• how it motivated her?
• what facilities it has, and how we can develop them?
• what nourishes it?
• how it interacts and relates to the body and brain?
But alas that didn’t take place in the book. Dr. Taylor uses the term ‘human sprit’, like most of us use the term ‘Self’. She and we feel that everyone else knows exactly what we mean when we use the terms ‘human spirit’ or ‘Self’. No research seems to be necessary. Obviously I disagree, and feel that not only proving the existence of ‘Self’ as a real part of a human being is necessary but the questions about its facilities, its function, its development, nourishment, all are vitally important for our understanding of human development.
The past two years I have been doing research, specifically asking people in our profession to give me their definition of ‘Self’. I am sure it will not surprise you if I say that EVERYONE of the responses I received had a different definition. (see www.theoryofself.com)
Having said this – let’s begin a short examination of my theory, The Continuum Theory™ of Human Development.
Chart 1 # - The Continuum Theory of Human Development
The Continuum Theory states that life span is a 3-stage developmental process. The development of the body, the development of the brain, and finally the development of the ‘Self’. The theory states that ‘Self’ is real and it is developmental. And that as body-brain are nourished by air, food, and water, the ‘Self’ is nourished by an energy we tend to call love. As you will see later in my mind love is an umbrella term used for any and all behaviors that transmit loving energy to another. There are dozens of these terms.
The three stages of development are overlapping, but distinct. All three developmental parts of a human being, 1) body, 2) brain, and 3) ‘Self’, start their development at birth. They develop to their full potential in three different stages during a single life span.
The first stage is that of the full development of the body and it takes place from birth to around 15-20 years of age. It is visible, we can see a human being grow, and therefore it is easy to accept this as a stage of development. This stage is characterized by the human being having what I call a ‘body centered’ perspective on life. The ‘Self’ is fully identified with its body, and the needs of its body. So the driving forces of development at this stage for the child are – food, rest, play and loving energy from parents, for the teenager food, rest, play and loving energy from friends – romantic and otherwise, etc. The predominant preoccupation is to look at the world and see how it can address the needs and wants of one’s body. Understanding that there are consequences for one’s action, which is conceptual, requiring the use of brain, is not a natural domain for this age range. At this stage ‘Self’ has what I call a ‘body centered’ point of view.
The second stage of full development is that of the brain and it takes place during the next 20 or so years, for simplicities sake, from 20-40ish. This stage is characterized by the human being having what I call a ‘concept centered’ perspective on life. The ‘Self’ is now identifying more with the use of its brain, and the needs this use generates, as well as that of its body. While issues of food, fun, looks, are still important, the driving forces of development at this stage are concepts. College students tend to at this stage of life be idealistic, which requires concepts. They become very interested in arguing as many conceptual points as possible, flexing their mental muscles. Concepts like the existence of God, capitalism vs. socialism, idealistic positions relating to poverty-corruption-racism-gender, all become much more important. This leads to the enlargement of their circle of responsibility. Included are being responsible for an apartment, for a job, one’s own family, for one’s community, voting as we saw this year, politics, etc.
At this second stage, the ‘Self’ has what I call a ‘concept centered’, a much more conceptual perspective of the world, and a clearer understanding of the consequences of one’s choices and actions.
I, perhaps like many others who work with the public in a counseling or healing capacity, am all too familiar with what has been observed around the age of 40. Mid-life crisis, with divorce, career changes, depression, etc. The explanations for this mid-life crisis, which seems to occur for so many people around 40 are; the empty nest syndrome, facing one’s mortality, loss of youth, etc. In my opinion all these ideas, why perhaps true for some, fail to explain in a developmental way why this crisis seems to occur around the age of 40.
Up until the age of 40 most people believed they are a body and a brain. How do we know this? As parents they are mostly concerned with their children’s physical and mental development. No wonder the ‘Self’ has an identity crisis when time comes for its full development. In a real, existential sense it doesn’t even know it exists. It thinks it is just body and brain, since that is all it has been taught to be aware of.
It doesn’t know itself, doesn’t know its true needs, doesn’t know how to express itself effectively and compassionately, and certainly doesn’t know how to love or demand to be loved unconditionally.
The pervasive nature of this identity crisis is clear when we see people who have been married 15-20 years, individuals whose bodies and minds have been fully developed, with successful careers, and by all of our body-brain standards should be leading happy lives. Too often these very people are in reality unhappy, dissatisfied with their careers, their marriage, and themselves. Based on the present body-brain theory of human development, if all we are is a body and a brain, and we fully develop both, this should never happen. There must be another part to a human being that is responding to the painful facts of his or her life. And it is this other part, which I believe to be the ‘Self’. Mid-life crisis happens when the ‘Self’, ready for its full development in the third stage of human development, does not recognize itself or its own needs, does not know how to communicate about these needs or how to manifest them. Like a good marriage.
I also believe that it is in this 3rd stage that the ‘Self’ often begins to sense and connect with other ‘Selves’ on a deeper level, and appreciates other ‘Selves’ not just their bodies and brains. This third stage of human development is often characterized by a seeking of what we call more spirituality, seeking of answer to the meaning and purpose of life, behavior that is more patient, compassionate, encouraging, etc. This is a function of the ‘Self’. (As an aside, many in faith based communities do focus on another part of the human being – they might call it spirit – instead of self – which is not a developmentally defined concept, but I believe a valuable concept. Religions tend to circumscribe it with so much ritual that the central message of spirit and love is often lost.)
In my teleology, as we move from stage to stage in the developmental process, from the body to the brain to the Self, we can observe a human being moving to an ever expanding circle of being able and willing to be responsible. We see the movement from being responsible for one’s body only, to being responsible for mental concepts like family, job, home, to finally being responsible for all of humanity. Each of these expanding circles of responsibility requires the nourishment and full development of each part - the body, the brain, and finally the ‘Self’ - of a human being.
I believe it is vitally important to understand that the Self is real so that we can appreciate its developmental nature and address its need for full development from birth till death. It has facilities, analogous to the muscles of the body and capacities of the brain.
Chart # 2 What is self
Now you might be wondering how I have defined a developmental ‘Self’. The ‘Self’ is a fully integrated part of the spectrum of conscious energy, along with body and brain. It is the invisible part with body and brain being the visible part. Just like light – with visible and invisible parts of its spectrum. Self directs all of our actions and choices, chooses to remember or repress experiences, in other words the guide on the journey of life. It is trainable in four distinct developmental areas, or we might say that the ‘Self’ has 4 facilities.
The Self has 4 Facilities that need development.
According to the Continuum Theory™ the ‘Self’ has 4 facilities in need of development from birth. They are conscious awareness, creating of vision, communicating, and loving.
Self is born with great potential in all these areas – it is fully aware of its needs at birth, expresses its needs instantly (communicates) without reservation, envisions what it wants, and loves itself unconditionally. The parenting and socializing processes however damage awareness; also the innate, inborn knowledge of how to create vision; the courage and ability to communicate awareness and vision; and finally the ability to love unconditionally.
These 4 facilities are akin to the muscles of the body, and capacities of the brain. The muscles of the body and the capacities of the brain become malformed without the proper nourishment of air, food and water, and without proper development, and can even atrophy when discouraged from being used. The facilities of the Self also become malformed without the proper nourishment, that of loving energy, and without proper development, or when their use is discouraged.
The ‘Self’ must be nourished with unconditional love and each facility must be developed fully for a human being to fully potentialize. Again the 4 facilities are – awareness, envisioning, communicating, and loving.
Here is the rub…since the sciences of human development and psychology do not view the ‘Self’ as real; these 4 facilities are ignored, resulting in their undernourishment and underdevelopment in childhood and adulthood. This further results in the ‘Self’ acting unconsciously, being unaware of its needs, behavior and choices, re-visioning and retro-creating its reality, having fear of and being inept at communicating, and finally, loving conditionally and accepting conditional love.
This means that one’s ‘Self’s’ needs are not met. This results in the making of poor choices, a lack of getting and giving consistent love, creating a future that looks much like the past. Today and tomorrow look like yesterday. This leads to much of the frustration and unhappiness people experience in life.
Defining Love as a Nutrient – a Real, Vibrating Energy
Finally the Continuum Theory™ states and I intend to prove to you that love is real, a vibrating form of energy! It is a nutrient, one that we need every bit as much as we need air, food, and water. This vibrating, positive energy in all its forms is the actual nourishment of a real ‘Self’. Because the ‘Self’ is nourished by a real loving energy it is logical, therefore that the Self is also real. We prove this by examining the universal experience of how people thrive when they are receiving and giving loving energy, and how they emotionally decline and deteriorate and experience real pain when they are deprived of getting and giving loving energy.
Some people have questioned why I don’t keep it simple and just assume that the body and brain are what need loving energy, and not some sort of non-visible ‘Self’.
Well, people intuitively know not to go to a doctor, or a cardiologist, or a brain surgeon and have their bodies or brains examined when being deprived of loving energy causes them pain. We know intuitively that something other then our bodies and brains are suffering.
It is fair to draw the conclusion that what needs this loving energy is not body or the brain. We can see that a human being’s body and brain can develop and function very well, without having been loved.
People who were brought up in emotionally barren environments, never encouraged, often criticized, without patience, kindness, affection, never told they were loved, just fed and clothed, still became successful athletes, businessmen, scientists, etc., i.e. their bodies and brains still developed well. But we can also make a general statement that most of these unloved people are unhappy people, and have a difficult time loving themselves or others. This lack of love is not only the source of their unhappiness, but of their depression, loneliness, self-hatred, self-sabotage, etc.
Chart #3 - Experiential Proof that the Self is Real
Proving the existence of ‘Self’ as a real entity was the most profound challenge of my 30 year journey toward developing the Continuum Theory™. It was the final piece of the puzzle that completed my effort to have a comprehensive theory of human development. I came up with a number of proofs, of which I will talk about only one today, an experiential proof that also has logical-inferential components.
We did a short exercise in the beginning, remembering rejection by a loved one and you told me the experience was painful. This pain can last a moment, a day, a week, months or sometimes a lifetime.
At those times what you felt was love being withdrawn,.
Over the years thousands of people have heard my lectures and radio programs about loving unconditionally. I can state unequivocally that they unanimously acknowledged their pain when deprived of love or deprived of the opportunity to give love.
In order to teach people how to love unconditionally first we need to know what love is ourselves. So what is love that it has such a profound effect on us?
Chart #4- What is Love
It is my strongly held belief, that love is one of the basic nourishing energies of life, and real just like air, food and water, and not some romantic notion. Democritus postulated “Atomos”, tiny, invisible particles 2500 years ago. Philosophers and scientists ignored his theory. Didn’t Atoms exist even when we could not see or measure them? We have spoken about love for even longer but have never been able to see or measure love scientifically - loving energy. Does not being able to see or measure loving energy make its existence, any less real? Although scientific proof that love is Real is yet to be “discover”, we are getting closer and closer.
What is love if we thrive when we get it, and are in pain when deprived of it?
This question puzzled me for years.
Air, food, and water are vital nourishments for our body-brain. We thrive when we get it and are in pain when deprived of them. Interestingly, we react exactly the same way to getting or being deprived of love. So, we can conclude that it is the absence of vital nourishments, which causes pain.
If love’s presence or absence can cause emotions like happiness and sadness, energize us and weaken us, it must be present or absent to have the power to effectuate these opposite reactions. If love is at times present and at other times absent it must be a thing. Is nothingness sometimes present and sometimes absent? No of course not. Being present at times and absent at other times is what makes a substance a thing! If love is a thing, love must be real. Finally, as I have mentioned earlier loving energy behaves in the human being exactly like the known nutrients of air, food and water. Therefore love is real and a nutrient.
We can see that love behaves like all other nutrients in another experiential way. All nutrients we ingest are processed and then eliminated in a continuous cycle. Inhale-exhale, drink-urinate, eat-excrete. If the cycle is broken on the way in or out, we are in trouble, in pain. Interestingly, we seem again to respond the same way to loving energy. Whether the cycle is broken when we need to receive it or when we want to give it, we are in trouble, in pain.
Finally, I believe love is a real, vibrating energy which is generated by the ‘Self’. Love can be generated automatically, like when a mother holds an infant, or consciously, when we chose to behave lovingly even though we have been hurt. The ‘Self’ can chose to ‘give love’ to another, as well as accept love or reject it.
Chart #5 Forms of loving Energy
There are various forms of loving energies – (see the chart) These and many more positive behaviors all send forth a certain amount of this energy we call love. We thrive on it and need an endless supply of it, just as much as the oxygen we continuously breathe in and the food and water we continuously eat and drink.
Examples of loving energy are on the chart (- a hello, a firm handshake, a smile, encouragement or mentoring, understanding, acceptance, patience, kindness, teaching, listening, empathizing, praising, compassion, supportiveness, giving, affection, a touch, graciously receiving, being thankful, being available, intimacy )
Now that we have established that love is a life sustaining nutrient, a nourishing energy, the absence of which causes us pain, the next question we must answer is, “What hurts when we are deprived of loving energy?” It is clear to me that it is not my elbow, kidney, or any other body part. Although we continually refer to our heart when deprived of loving energy, as in “when our heart ‘is broken’” we seldom go to a heart specialist, like we do when we have a heart attack or a real pain in our heart muscle, nor is there ever a bypass operation performed for a ‘broken heart’. So, what hurts so much that some people have chosen suicide, many have gone into deep depression, and almost all of us have suffered sadness for weeks and months? I believe that the part of us that hurts and feels the painful absence of loving energy is a real, developmental ‘Self’.
I believe the pain you feel in the absence of loving energy is a strong, experiential proof that 1) love, synonymous with loving energy, is real and 2) this loving energy, which behaves exactly like other nourishments, nourishes the part of us called the ‘Self’ which, I believe, makes the ‘Self’ also real.
So much for the theory. Thanks, Harville and Gene for listening…do you have any questions about the theory before we go into the applications it has for specific therapeutic approaches like Imago.
Some things are going to sound familiar, because I made a distinct effort to put some of my phrasing into Imago phrasing to demonstrate how it might be applied to Imago.
IMAGO APPLICATIONS
According to my theory there are 4 developmental areas that have been either underdeveloped or damaged in a human being – specifically the self. They are awareness, ability to envision, ability to communicate effectively, and the ability to love unconditionally. I believe for therapeutic intervention to be successful we need to attend to each of these developmental areas in an adult…starting with awareness.
The first facility of self that needs development – one that has been stifled or damaged is awareness.
Awareness – 2 parts - observation and reflection – one is physical the other intellectual/emotional. To develop more fully a person’s awareness I start by having them enhance their skills of observing using simple observation practices and then take them on reflective journeys that culminate in writing lists.
Couple facing each other begin a simple exercise of tracking the facial and body language – whatever small stuff they notice – they are not to assume the meaning of what they observe or make commentary, but simply ‘report’ their observations. I call this ‘physical mirroring’ – although they are not aping what they see, they mirror it by verbal non-judgmental observation.
Couples in crisis, which is when therapists get to see them, have usually distanced themselves from each other over a long period of time. They have stopped noticing things, or if they do, immediately judge what they observe, usually in a negative way, becoming defensive in the process. Not making eye contact, not observing the other in everyday life is a way of invalidating the other. “You don’t even exist for me”...is the statement.
I believe this “I don’t care, you don’t love me”…”I am not paying attention to you”…that has become a fixture in couple’s behavior toward each other must be reversed. By having them practice observing each other in a session, which I have found many couples having difficulty to do and even a distinct aversion to (only pointing further to the need), and assigning it as Home Work, has them confront the reality of this person they are married to – and just as the Imago dialogue summary is validating, this observing often becomes their first validating experience. “I am being seen”…”not being seen” is often a complaint of one or both partners.
This simple exercise can be done for 2-3 minutes at the beginning of each session. The purpose is to have them become more observant, understanding that missing the clues being sent by each other regarding physical or emotional discomfort is hurtful. They are hurting each other by simply ignoring what is going on. Also by not being fully observant they miss information that is vital to gaining understanding of what is actually happening, as opposed to what is being defensively projected. If one notices that the other is down, tired, etc. and enquires, “I notice your brow is furrowed…you look a bit tired/sad/worried…would you like to tell me how you’re feeling?” “You are holding your shoulder, you are rubbing your knee…. would you like to tell me how you’re feeling?”
The second part of enhancing awareness is the inner journey of reflecting on the present state of one’s beliefs operating within self.
The Continuum Theory™ states that people are always operating from vision – whether it is a consciously created vision or an unconsciously created, fractured, disharmonious one created in the past. Regarding relationships my theory states that each individual brings 3 mostly unconscious visions to the table.
A vision of themselves, which I call “I am”
A vision of the opposite sex, which I call ‘Men are…or….Women are…’
A vision of relationships, which I call ‘Relationships Are….
Most of these visions were created in an unaware, mostly unconscious way and have some or many negative components.
When working with individuals, couples or groups I start by developing their awareness ‘muscle’, the foundation of all conscious development. I ask them to think about and then write down in list form, what they think about
1. themselves, their list of ‘I am…’,
2. the opposite sex, ‘Men are… Women are…’, and
3. relationships ‘are…’.
As they write down their answers insights into their present operating vision in these 3 areas starts to emerge.
We can know more or less what people’s unconsciously created visions are by the results they have created in their relationships – past or present. I explain to them that their visions are based on events they witnessed or experiences they had, and probably lots of stuff they heard about themselves, the opposite sex, and relationships. That a lot of what they heard might have been misinformation and a lot of what they saw does not apply to everyone. A lot of what they saw were flawed attempts by people doing their best. Finally I explain to them that their own experiences with the opposite sex and relationships were probably in line with what they saw and heard as children and young adults about themselves, the opposite sex, and relationships.
I explain to them that now they have a new opportunity to create new visions. Just as their present operating visions, unconsciously created, brought them to this unsatisfying place, so their new, consciously created visions can take them to a satisfying place.** We discuss this. The struggle to create a new vision, to think outside the box of their past experiences, to envision what has not been true in their experience, while being very challenging and instructive, becomes extremely hopeful to them.
The second facility of self that needs development – that has been stifled or damaged is the ability to create a vision – complete with nothing missing.
Vision -
Vision – both Imago theory and my theory acknowledge the importance of creating vision at the beginning of the couple’s process. I use it as a universal tool for both couple’s and individuals, and relate if to any and every aspect of a person’s life that needs healing or movement.
As in Imago, new vision is forward-looking rather then looking and dealing only with an unhappy past. The Continuum Theory focuses on creating a new vision, which creates a new context, a new perspective. Visions energize the individual....give them hope…and the clients understand that by doing this work they are moving inevitably in the right direction. Their brain’s neuroplasticity is rewiring their behavior and outlook.
We start by write down in list form, what they want to create, their new vision –
1. their list of the vision of who they want to become - the ‘I am…’ list
2. their positive list of the opposite sex, ‘Partner I want…’, and
3. their positive list for what relationships can be ‘Relationship I want…’.
As they write down their new vision the possibilities, never voiced before, start to materialize.
Development begins with awareness and continues during the creation of vision, which continually enhances one’s awareness. New items are added to one’s vision, and the vision is reprioritized to reflect what is important as one’s awareness recognizes that new priorities are emerging. Visions are organic and alive.
In discussing and viewing the choices they make in the relationship they are asked a simple question over and over again – “Did that act or statement bring you closer to your vision of having a great relationship or moved you further away?” The couple now have a simple tool to apply, in an aware manner, to their own behavior.
The third facility of self that needs development – that has been stifled or damaged is the ability to communicate, in an inspiring, enrolling, non-blaming way.
Communication -
Communication is another area that Imago theory and my theory share much common ground. There is very little that can be improved upon when it comes to Couple’s Dialogue.
In my approach once a client or couple arrives at a complete new vision, without assumptions, omissions, and misperceptions, they are then taught that manifesting it requires that they begin to use this new vision lovingly and compassionately in their communications. Whether it is to transform an existing relationship, begin a new one, or lose weight, or get a Ph.D….continuous and consistent communication of one’s vision is vital in the manifesting process.
For this vision to begin to affect the relationship environment it must be included in every communication. I believe for vision to work it needs to be constantly communicated to those who affect one’s life. This is perhaps where our two theories are somewhat different. I believe it is a very important and continuous part of the solution.
With couples I teach them to include their visions, almost like a mantra, in all the mirroring exercises I do with them. I call it creating a context and changing perspective, by ‘book-ending’ their communications. My mirroring is a shorter version of the Imago Dialogue and comes from doing EST some 30 years ago.
Including vision into a communication looks something like this:
Example – Situation that needs changing - The husband doesn’t take out the garbage when asked and it upsets the wife. This happens frequently and leads to yelling but never a resolution. “You are a considerate, thoughtful, supportive husband who I love and who loves me and who I know that I can count on. We are working on making our marriage ever better and more nurturing. Part of that is communicating our feelings. When you don’t take out the garbage after I ask you it upsets me. I know you are not trying to hurt me, you don’t do it intentionally to hurt, upset, disappoint me, but in fact the truth is that it does. And I know you want to know this. I know that you can hear me and we can figure out a solution so we can get this chore done without either one of us getting upset. We will continue to make our marriage better and better”
Learning how to communicate one’s goals and intentions in a way that others can be open to hearing includes both using loving energies like compassion, patience, etc. and eliminating any blame. From that place we can inspire and enroll another into our vision, which is the key. I believe the way we communicate can bring out the best or worst in another and ourselves. So it is our choice who and what we want to see show up in our relationships.
Loving Unconditionally
Everyone has their own definition of what love is. Most people I interviewed don’t believe it is possible to love unconditionally. They equate it with saintly forbearance no matter how others behave.
People mostly associate love with desire, passion, attraction, intimacy – Eros – or philial or agape love – family oriented nurturing behavior or self-sacrificing behavior.
When I work with people who have relationship or self esteem issues, which is most, one of the first things I explain to them is my definition of love, or what I call loving energies.
Defining love as a life sustaining nourishing energy, that you can generate, give or withhold and that is necessary for emotional and physical health, makes it much more concrete and useful for people. They remember the pain of having love denied them, and understand how withholding something life sustaining may be painful. They can then understand and accept the concept that withholding love, loving energies is unacceptable for them to do or for them to allow others to do it.
I call the withholding of loving energy, ‘disconnecting’. Others refer to as ‘conditional love’. I insist is not a viable option in relationships. Disconnecting or conditional love present themselves as arguing, walking away, sulking, yelling, giving the silent treatment, not calling, insulting, blaming, etc. Disconnecting from another when we’re annoyed, upset, etc. is what we constantly do. But it is clearly not an option because they need the life sustaining loving energy we are supplying to them. We have to find another way to resolve issues, perhaps by communicating more effectively, mirroring more compassionately, of which the Imago Dialogue is the best example. Once people realize that they have no right to withhold love they also realize that they also have a right to demand this loving energy…and when explaining it to another, the other will understand it. Of course being a role model, demonstrating this truth, is the best way to get started.
Again, the getting of loving energy unconditionally and the giving of loving energy unconditionally first need to be stated in a consciously created vision. In my theory, this vision then needs to be communicated to every person in one’s life. Since each person’s Self truly hungers for this loving energy one can expect that when this vision is communicated that it will move the other person toward wanting the vision themselves.
**********************************************************************I believe that therapeutic interventions need to address the individual’s need for love, that is the getting and giving of loving energy on a consistent basis, and loving oneself unconditionally. Imago does a wonderful job in this regard. Loving oneself needs to take place along with the ‘I-Thou’ relationship, so we can come to loving another, and feeling that we deserve to be loved consistently.
Just as a developing being goes from the nipple to the bottle, then to eating utensils and is taught to independently feed itself, a human being goes from being loved unconditionally as an infant to having to be similarly taught to independently love itself and thereby others. What is often referred to as self support, or self esteem, or self regard, are all terms for loving oneself.
What do I mean by loving unconditionally as opposed to conditionally? Loving unconditionally simply means to consciously continue to generate loving energy toward a person who has hurt, angered or disappointed us. It does not mean to ignore the offense. Imago Couples Dialogue is a tool for bringing conscious choice to working through problems and allows people to behave unconditionally.
I have found that once people understand that loving energy is something the other needs from them, like they need oxygen, they are more able to be conscious and aware and realize when they are withholding love from another and thereby intentionally choose not to do it.
In Gestalt therapy for instance we watch the way people hold their breath, withhold oxygen from themselves. We try to make them aware of this and ask them to take in full conscious breaths.
“How do I love myself?”…is a question I am often asked.
My answer to clients is…
There is a beautiful, loving child who wants to run to you and put his arms around you but can’t because his legs and arms have been broken and never taken care of to heal. “How would you love this wounded child that needed your help?” How much patience and kindness and encouragement would you offer this child… verses impatience and criticism and blame?
We seem to be able to love those in pain, especially physical pain, that are helpless victims of situations that we perceive are beyond their control. Clients are in emotional pain and were a victim of a situation beyond their control. We must remember that this of course is also true for another.
If you can be patient and kind and encouraging and accepting and generous with such a physically disabled child, don’t you think you deserve to be that way with your emotionally disabled self?
When we don’t receive the love (unconditional, consistent loving energy) we so desperately need as children, and we know we are dependant on those outside of ourselves to give it to us, as we are initially with the food we eat, it leaves us forever looking for someone outside of ourselves to supply this consistent, unconditional food for our self (soul) called love.
Emotionally, the more you give to yourself (the more patient, kind, encouraging, generous, respectful, supportive, etc.) you are with yourself, the more others will want to give to you. They will do this because they also perceive that perhaps you are ‘so rich’ emotionally that you will be able to give them a lot. Which is what they want and need in the area of loving.
How do we monitor or notice when people are withholding love from themselves and others? They are impatient, critical, pessimistic, disrespectful, unsupportive,
Why do they accept getting love conditionally from others? They don’t feel they deserve it and don’t know how to demand it…with consequences…..and don’t know how to communicate in a way that will inspire the other to give them what they are asking for.
And how can they become more aware of it?
I believe what Dr. Candace Pert said in her book, ‘Molecules of Emotion’, is pertinent here as well. “Regardless of their profession, orientation, expectations emotional or intellectual, I’ve come to believe that most of the lay people who find their way to my lectures, (workshops, and chose to become clients) are hoping to hear (the) science (of psychoanalysis, psychotherapy, behavioral therapy, positive psychotherapy, etc.) demystified, de-jargonized, (and) described in terms they can understand (and use). People want to understand themselves and what makes them tick…so they can create the life they envision.” (Parentheses are my additions). My results have me believe that I have been successful in making human development understandable and useful to lay people. Those who learn the simple concepts can use them to achieve their goals and change their behaviors with relative ease and full understanding of what they are doing and why.
Asking for loving energy from another is like telling a hungry person that you will feed them on the condition that they feed you, since you are hungry too. Otherwise you will starve to death and eventually won’t be able to feed them either.
To quote Erwin Schrödinger, Nobel Prize winning physicist
“The task is….not so much to see what no one has seen;
But to think what nobody has yet thought,
About that which everybody sees.”