Using Love as a Healing Tool - for Therapists and Healers
A new vision may be framed like this. “Mom I know you love me and I love you. I also know that we have had a very painful relationship, and perhaps neither of us feels very loved or loving. But I know you never meant to hurt me and I hope you know I never meant to hurt you. I have a vision that we can have a wonderful, close, loving relationship and I hope you can have the same vision. I know we can forgive each other and move forward.” It may sound a bit scripted but these points need to be stated one after another. And the results I’ve had over the years show how well people respond to hearing someone they cared about say these words. Whatever they do or say at the moment is irrelevant…because loving words seep into the heart and begin their healing process. It may be a week or a month or a year, but if someone wants to see their vision realized and holds onto that vision, it will materialize.
RK: So once you create a new vision, what does a client do with it?
SD: The next step is to communicate this new vision. As you just read, the purpose of a vision is it points us toward right action and clarifies what our behavior needs to be. Once you shared your vision with the other, you can always hold up your behavior and ask yourself…is what I just said or did moving me closer to my vision or further away. And the same can be said to the other. “What you just did or said is moving us closer or further from our vision.”
The mortar that holds this vision together and helps someone to be persistent in their quest is approaching this task with an unconditionally loving attitude toward themselves and the other.
Visions, especially ones that involve and depend on another person, require one to be patient, encouraging, kind, understanding, empathetic, compassionate, honest, etc. etc. which are all forms of loving energy. What one ultimately has to train oneself to do is behave as unconditionally as possible. Stop criticizing yourself and the other. Encourage yourself and the other.
Awareness leading to vision, leading to communication, leading to patience with the process, because the vision is worth it, and you’re worth it, which means it is all being done with loving energy.
RK. You speak about loving unconditionally…isn’t that a bit too idealistic? People are going to say “We’re not saints”, I can’t do that.
SD. The biggest resistance I usually experience is when I talk about loving unconditionally. Of course to fully understand where I am coming from on this one has to become aware of my theory of development and self, which is beyond the scope of this interview. The short answer is that people need to understand that another person needs loving energy in the same way they need any other life sustaining energy. They need to understand that it is always a decision on our part to give it or withhold it, even when we’re justifiably angry. We have a responsibility to chose to give love. This does not mean we don’t express our anger or upset or hurt. We just need to learn to do it in a loving, compassionate way. The very same way we would like someone to tell us they are angry with us. Our vision needs to change from…”I can’t possibly love anyone unconditionally”, to “I want to be able to love people unconditionally.” This new vision will then become what we aim for in life and there is a good chance that we’ll be able to achieve it or get close to it.
RK. I am sure you’re aware that the latest brain research on neuroplasticity very much supports your work. Can you share with us a little of the connection between your developmental approach and neuroplasticity.
SD. The latest studies in brain research have been very exciting. They have validated 30 years of theoretical and practical work that I have been doing. In, “The Mind and the Brain: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force”, (HarperCollins – 2002) Jeffrey Schwartz, M.D. - demonstrates that the human mind is an independent entity that can shape and control the functioning of the physical brain. His work with physicist Henry Stapp, has its basis in our emerging understanding of adult plasticity -- the brain's ability to be rewired not just in childhood, but throughout life, a trait only recently established by scientists. But in this paradigm-shifting work, Schwartz and Stapp take neuroplasticity one critical step further. Through decades of work treating patients with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), they made an extraordinary finding: while following the therapy he developed, his patients were effecting significant and lasting changes in their own neural pathways. This latest brain research is showing that the neuronal pathways in the brain are plastic rather than rigid, as was previously believed. That means that with work we can rewire the brain and go from automatic, unconscious behavior, to conscious choice- making. By working with all four developmental areas we create a lot more new neuronal pathways a lot faster and exponentially increase the ability of a person to modify their behavior. A lot of what therapy is about is getting people to become aware which begins to change the pathways.
RK. Now I understand why developing one’s ability in all 4 areas, including love, is so important. I am sure others will realize the importance of it, too. Is there a book in your future?
SD. I was invited last year to submit a book proposal to Routledge Press, but since then a few people, among them Harville Hendrix, has advised me to write the popular book before I write an academic one. So that is my focus now.
RK. This is a book that people will find very useful. Do you have a publisher?
SD. We’ve finished 3-4 chapters and have lots of case studies so we’re just about to start looking for the right company. In the meantime anyone who is interested in learning more about my theory and concepts is more then welcome to contact me. I love sharing my ideas.
RK. Any final thoughts you’d like to share?
SD. There are many people in the medical and scientific community who are exploring loving energy. Dr. Glenn Rein did experiments with cultured tumor cells and found that “… focused human intention can influence the growth of tumor cells “. In other words, sending unconditional love to the tumor cells inhibited their growth.
Also, a colleague of mine, Dr. Lee Lipsenthal, a prominent lecturer on the medical school and medical conference circuit, specializing in stress related illnesses that doctors experience, has as his last frame of his power point presentation – “Love is Real” to which I would add “Love Heals”.
People have believed this for thousands of years and now I believe I have found a connecting concept that explains why love is so important in our lives. The good news is that people get it, they are able to take it home and use it easily with the people in their lives, and the results are deeper, richer relationships.
