2 - Conference on Human Development – March 2010 (pg 2f)
A MODEL OF THE “DEVELOPMENTAL SELF”©
How do her responses damage reaching this Self’s potential?
Child becomes aware of hunger – what is the point of becoming aware –since awareness is ignored, discouraged – Self’s awareness is damaged
Child loves/cares about meeting its needs – I am not loved, not worthy – the ability to love oneself and others unconditionally is damaged
Child has a vision/goal of meeting its needs – what is the point of having goals - having goals and visions is discouraged – the ability to vision is damaged
Child asked for a candy bar to meet its needs – what is the point of communicating – communication is discouraged – Self’s ability to communicate gets damaged
This simple example is played out in many, many forms again and again, in most people’s lives with much more powerful and significant results then the example of not getting a candy bar.
In order to develop Self’s 4 facilities the mother would have to engage the child in the following way –
First by patiently saying “I hear you are hungry and you want a candy bar” – the mother has accomplished 90% of the task to reach Potential. She validated the child’s Self by acknowledging the awareness, the goal/vision and the communication of the child all in one fell swoop. The result is that the child learns the value of being aware, having a goal, and communicating it. It also learns that loving oneself, feeling worthy of meeting one’s needs is a positive thing not a negative thing.
The actual result, whether the child gets the candy bar, becomes secondary – because it is when Self is not validated, by not acknowledging its needs, that all 4 of its facilities are damaged.
The sentence “I hear you are hungry and you want a candy bar” – can be followed up by giving the child a number of choices, again with the understanding that developing a child’s Self is of paramount importance developmentally – even more so then if he eats candy before dinner or not.
“So candy bars are delicious and I can understand why you want one. But what is the problem with having a candy bar just before dinner? Yes, they do spoil our appetites and also they are not going to help us grow strong and smart. So here are a couple of options, tell me which one you want. Option #1 – Option #2. Which one would you prefer?”
This validates and then empowers the child – giving him the power to make the best choice for himself – learns to make choices – and feels that its life is in his hands.
When we parent or educate children as if they did not have a ‘Real Self’ we fail to recognize the importance of responding to their awareness, we fail to understand the need to be unconditional, to develop their ability to have courage to communicate their needs and love themselves.
