2 - Conference on Human Development – March 2010 (pg 2i)
A MODEL OF THE “DEVELOPMENTAL SELF”©
Case study #4
• C. a distraught mother of 3 ADD boys and ADD husband is ready to have a mental break down. Communication with husband is totally frustrating, she feels no support, typical upper middle class goals of college and professional careers for under-achieving boys seems unrealistic, depressing her. Contemplating divorce, is a perfectionist, self-critical.
According to the model of a Developmental Self C. is aware of being frustrated, feels alone, hopeless, and is physically and emotionally exhausted. Her only release is tears. She is not aware that screams at her family a lot and that this has consequences. Has no positive vision to inform her communication.
C. is aware of not being listened to by husband or children,
feels unsupported, causing her pain - awareness is damaged
C. has an unconscious vision/goal that it is useless to talk,
nothing will change, kids won’t be successful, she is a failure as a mom
- visioning is damaged
C. Can’t motivate husband or children and can’t communicate
without screaming - communication is damaged
C. Criticizes herself endlessly and does same with husband and
children, little patience - does not love herself unconditionally
C.’s story was - nothing will ever change and she is afraid that she doesn’t have the strength to go on. She feels sabotaged by a husband who says all the wrong things to the kids, and makes her job even harder with them. She doesn’t think she can communicate and be heard or that she can behave with her family in an unconditional way. She has failed as a mother.
C. was anxious to make some changes before her family fell apart. We created a vision that included – her husband respects her and is willing to listen, she believes in her children and treats them more patiently, that she has been and will continue to be a caring, loving mom, that she herself is OK, that perfection isn’t necessary, that her many good qualities are sufficient.
In a relatively short amount of time she became more aware of her own reactions to situations. Her words and communications were informed by her new vision – her positive goals for the family, children, husband. Her behavior became more unconditional. Her family began to notice changes – she became more patient, spoke with a calmer voice. They responded. After about 6 months of work her husband, liking the changes he noticed in her, decided he wanted to learn how to listen better and came to a few session where they learned and practiced mirroring – an attentive listening tool.
That experience aligned him with C. and he stepped back from criticizing the children, and started interacting with the children by following her lead. She also became more accepting of herself, focusing more on her strengths than weaknesses. She also came to acknowledge the success she had in developing her 4 facilities and her Self’s potential. After one year of relatively sporadic visits ( 20 at most) C. decided that things were so much better at home and with herself that she no longer needed to continue.
By working with C. to educate and train the 4 facilities of her “what is Self was real”, we also rewired her brain by working with 4 tracks simultaneously.
Conclusion
The Self, given the opportunity to grow healthy, with education and training similar to what schooling did for the brain, helps us to be exponentially more powerful and effective in life – to accomplish things we haven’t been able to by just using the body or the brain. Just think about the effectiveness of a Gandhi, a Mother Teresa, a Martin Luther King, and many other lesser known but equally Self-actualized individuals. When the Self fully potentializes our life experience is transformed. A potentialized Self gives us a sense of control and this is when we can begin to truly shape our life and take responsibility for who we have become.
