2 - Conference on Human Development – March 2010 (pg 2g)
A MODEL OF THE “DEVELOPMENTAL SELF”©
Case Study - #2
• A 65 plus woman, founder and president of a large widows and widowers group on Long Island – whose adult children take advantage of her, and along with friends disrespect her, has lost her courage to speak
According to the model of a developmental self - Woman has a learned, unhealthy reaction to being used and disrespected – her throat and chest tighten when she needs to stand up for herself – she withdraws from confrontation
Woman is dimly aware of being used, disrespected, and the pain it is causing her - awareness damaged
Woman has an unconscious vision/goal of not being able to meet her own needs - visioning damaged
Woman can’t ask for respect - communication is stuck in her throat
Woman cannot meet her own need to be respected - does not love herself unconditionally
According to her ‘story’ being quiet and not voicing her needs took place during her marriage to a loving but controlling man. My educated guess is that this behavior was learned in childhood. Her choices suggest damage to the 4 facilities of self.
Woman becomes aware of having an opinion – the opinion is discounted –awareness is further discouraged and damaged
Woman wants to exercise decision making – is not respected - I am not worthy – not loving herself unconditionally is reinforced
Woman has a vision/goal of meeting her needs – having goals and visions is discouraged – the ability to create vision is further damaged
Woman wants to speak to meet her needs – communication is discouraged and further damaged
Main issues she was aware of, that were causing her pain were–
1) feeling lost, feeling stuck since her husband died
2) fear of expressing her needs,
3) feeling of being dominated and disrespected by adult children and friends.
4) Feeling not worthy of loving herself – does not feel loved
In order to develop her Self’s 4 facilities the client would have to first create a new vision based on her awareness, then communicate that vision in a loving way, finally internalize that she is worthy of loving herself unconditionally – therefore worthy of being treated with respect.
She was told that her problems were developmental, resulting from the damage to the 4 facilities of her Self. She needs to rehabilitate and fully develop the 4 ‘facilities’ of Self. Become more aware, learn to create a clear vision of what she wants and needs, learn to communicate those needs lovingly, and learn to love herself and others unconditionally.
Through the work she became more and more aware of, in touch with the fact that an unconscious vision was operating in her life – I am dependent and not capable. I am not smart. I let friends and children dictate what I want and what I should do because I lack confidence in making decisions. I am afraid to express my thoughts and feelings since I was not allowed to and never did in my marriage. I have no self-respect. She understood that it was this vision, this set of beliefs, that were influencing her interactions and choices.
We then created a new vision based on how she wanted to experience herself and her relationships. This took a while because it was outside of her past experience, which she kept defaulting to. Her new vision was – I am capable and intelligent. I know what I want and need, and I deserve to have people listen to me. I deserve to have what I want and need. I respect myself and people respect me for expressing my needs and love me even more. I love myself.
Having created her new context E. wrote a list of what she wants and needs. She committed to expressing both her new vision and her list of wants and needs. One of her main issues was the fact that she was constantly being imposed on by her adult children for baby-sitting, told how she should be spending her money and most other decisions she had to make. After getting clear that her children were not mind readers and she needed to let them know what she needed and wanted she started to communicate her new context/vision as well as her wants and needs. After some ridicule and resistance during which she held her ground, she noticed a marked change in the way her children, grandchildren and friends responded to her. E. has a growing awareness about her own thoughts and feelings, has created clarity in terms of her needs and wants, started to experience relief from fears of making decision and expressing her thoughts and feelings, is expressing them, and is using unconditional love. In this case unconditional meant being patient with herself and her children, yet being very persistent. She is getting mixed responses, but very excited about how all of this is making her feel about herself and the movement she is experiencing. Adult children first resisted changes in her, now liking it.
Friends were more resistant and she lost some who liked to control and use her, but has gotten closer to the ones that accepted her growth and change.
Clearly the approach is NOT therapeutic but rather educational-developmental. As her Self gets educated about the need to rehabilitate the four facilities, and chooses to undergo training the use of what she is learning started to show results. That produces hope and energizes her to want to learn more and apply more of what she is learning. The cycle now is upward, instead of downward. By working with E. to educate and train the 4 facilities of her “what is Self was real”, we also rewired her brain by working with 4 tracks simultaneously.
